As I was scrolling through my Twitter feed the other day a tweet from a fellow blogger caught my eye (and threw it back). Bloody Bing right? Initially I thought that Dave off of The Dadventurer was talking about the search engine but actually he was, of course, referencing the Mark Rylance-endorsed Cbeebies classic all about Bing Bunny. This triggered off a few responses slating other characters we love to hate and I suddenly had this lightbulb moment: what if Bing Bunny was picked for The Hunger Games? He would, of course be up against the likes of Peppa, Topsy and Tim and the Tweenies.
Picture the scene: Bing Bunny has been teamed up with Postman Pat. Bing has nothing but a small rucksack containing a cheese sandwich and a knuckleduster. Pat has his messenger bag with just a letter-opener for protection. Bing is already feeling a bit hopeless – he’s well aware of Pat’s reputation for being utterly crap at his job and isn’t holding out much hope for that inevitable moment when he has to shout ‘cover me!’ and suspects that Pat may well produce some brown paper and gaffer tape at that point.
Topsy and Tim have been spotted lurking by the treeline. Unbeknownst to Tim, Topsy has hidden a grenade inside Little Moon Bunny – she’s secretly planning to go it alone – she’s never really liked Tim anyway, she’d never forgiven him for that time he let Tony Welch come round and knock all her and Vinda’s cupcakes off the table.
The Tweenies have been split up into two teams. Jake and Bella are already moaning about their woeful lack of camouflage. On the plus side they have been given custody of Doodles the dog who they have been training as an attack dog for weeks (as long as no-one thinks to tickle his tummy they should be laughing).
Ra Raa the Noisy Lion and Rastamouse are feeling uneasy. Rastamouse has forgotten to put his trousers on and doesn’t much like the idea of being teamed up with a man-eater, but more to the point, as far as stealth and strategy are concerned he knows he’s screwed. Ra Raa can never stop himself from talking in a VERY LOUD VOICE or spontaneously bursting into a song about a coconut, still he knows his way around a jungle.
Hook and Line from Swashbuckle have the advantage of cutlasses, but the disadvantage of being complete prats. Abney and Teal are hoping to create a one-stop porridge shop which the others will be lured towards once the cheese sandwiches run out. A few drops of cyanide in the mix should send them into a very comfortable lead.
Despite everyone’s plans it isn’t until the underground pods they are standing on send them up into the game that it gradually dawns on them who the winner will be before the game’s even begun. For this is the Isle of Struay and Katie Morag has the place fully booby-trapped…